Not Just a NURSE!!! Podcast
Not Just a NURSE!!! Podcast
What If Acceptance Means Accepting Your Feelings, Not The Loss
Our special guest Dr. Alexandra McGlashan is a Mom, Educator and Psychologist.
She is a New York State Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Certified Bilingual School Psychologist. Dr. McGlashan received a doctoral degree in School/Clinical Child Psychology from Pace University. A native New Yorker, she is also proud to remain connected to her roots as a daughter of Haitian immigrants. She has worked for over 20 years as a K-12 School Psychologist in both New York City and Long Island working directly with students to help improve learning, behavior, and emotional health. She consults with teachers and school staff, and conducts numerous fun and informative workshops for corporate organizations, parents and children on various topics including Mental health and Digital Media, Mindfulness, Immigrants and Mental Health, Understanding Learning Disabilities and Stress Management.
Outside of the schools, Dr. McGlashan works as an adjunct professor helping to train the next generation of School/Clinical Psychologists. Dr. McGlashan has a small private-practice on Long Island. She prides herself on delivering culturally competent, professional service with a warm and caring touch.
We explore grief as a whole‑person experience, challenge the linear “stages” myth, and share tools that honor culture, family needs, and personal timelines. Practical resources include 988, community groups, EAP options, and rituals that turn memory into meaning.
• defining grief as loss across death, divorce, work and routine
• cultural expressions of mourning and avoiding judgment
• accepting feelings rather than the loss itself
• honest language for children and modeling emotion safely
• signs of complicated grief and when to seek help
• 988 Lifeline and the limits of AI for counseling
• coping skills including music, rituals and community
• hospice, low‑cost resources and EAP access
• giving yourself grace while staying connected to support
Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe to Buzzprout, Apple, and Spotify
Send your request and your questions for a chat with Jax
Dr. McGlashan can be reached at www.onmywaycounseling.com
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Thank you for tuning in! For more updates, behind-the-scenes content, and exclusive materials, visit us at www.hunterwellness.org
Have any questions or suggestions? Feel free to reach out at info_hw@jhmllc.net
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Welcome back to Not Just a Nurse Podcast. You're here with Nurse Jax and another wonderful guest.
SPEAKER_02:We have a full packed evening for you guys where we're going to focus on healing and balance and becoming whole, mind, body, and soul. I'm your host, Nurse Jax, and today we're going to continue the series on grief, a topic that touches every single one of us, yet often goes unspoken. We heard from our first episode about the power of regaining your light in a very dark times from Roseanne. Joining me today is Dr. McGloshin, a licensed psychologist who has helped countless individuals navigate loss, trauma, and emotional healing. Together, we'll explore the psychology of greed, what's really happening inside of us, how to move through it, and how to support others while they're healing in the journey. So let's take a deep breath, open our hearts, and let's begin. So, Dr. McGloshin, please start by sharing a little bit about yourself, your journey, and your new endeavors, and then we'll jump right into the topic of grief.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, good evening, Nurse Hunter. Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. My name is Dr. Alex McGloshan. I have been practicing in the field of psychology for going on 25 years now. I am a school psychologist and as also a clinical psychologist. I work predominantly in the schools, but I also have a private practice where I see adolescents and also young adults. In addition to that, I do work as an adjunct professor, most recently for Delphi University and Pace University, training graduate students in the field of psychology. It's really a pleasure to be here with you tonight.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's great. So, Dr. McGloshin, in your work as a psychologist, how do you personally define grief?
SPEAKER_03:Is it more than just sadness? Absolutely. I would say it's more than sadness. Grief is a universal feeling. And what I mean by that is that everyone in the world experiences similar feelings, but everybody grieves differently. So what we have in common though is that it is a profound sadness. So it's not just, you know, something that usually will go away, you know, the next day, or, you know, where you may have be in a bad mood and then you're in a better mood. It's something that's usually more long-lasting, more intense, and feels painful. Feels painful in the body and the mind.
SPEAKER_02:Because, you know, sometimes we feel like grief is just about crying and it's not that, is it?
SPEAKER_03:No, not at all. I remember when I first started practicing in the schools and I was counseling two young children who had lost their mother. And one of the, I think it was the older sibling, was a girl, expressed that she was upset that her younger brother was not crying, you know. Oh wow. You're not crying for mommy. Because she was crying a lot. And he said, I am crying, I cry on the inside, and I've never forgotten that.
SPEAKER_02:That's the the male-female version of grief, right? So we're more emotional, and guys do on the inside, but that can hurt us too, right?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it can. And I just want to point out that it's not necessarily a gender thing because there certainly are men who are very open with their emotions and they will cry and they will express how they're feeling, and there are women who will be the ones who don't cry and who hold in their emotions. So I just want to put that out there. Okay. But I think there's a difference between being completely cut off from your feelings and not acknowledging that you're sad and just not expressing that on the outside to other people. You know what I'm saying? So a person might just be the type of person who doesn't what we call emote easily. You can't just look at them and know exactly how they're feeling. But if you ask them, they can tell you, they might say, I feel like a boulder has crushed my soul. They feel it. They feel it. That's so deep. Right? They feel it. And so that's not the same thing as a person who says, Oh no, I'm I'm I'm I'm perfectly fine. And they mean it. And meanwhile, they had a very significant loss, right? Because that would not be healthy and that's not typical for people to completely, you know, disregard their feelings. You know, that would be unusual. Most often, people express feelings of pain. How they express it, that can depend on the personality, on culture, on particular family. In some families, it's okay to, you know, express yourself, it's okay to yell and scream. And in other families, that's not really considered acceptable behavior. And so sometimes people learn to express their feelings in a certain way. And that's okay.
SPEAKER_02:So when you talk about culture, that's definitely a touchy subject, right? Because in the African-American culture, especially the Caribbean culture in our community, so what have you seen in our community how grief affects us?
SPEAKER_03:Well, I think that we as a whole, as people of African descent, we tend to express grief out loud in general. You mean like falling over the casket? You know, yeah, our with our whole bodies sometimes, yes.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:You know, but uh again, that's not everybody. That's not a good thing. No, it's not everybody, you know, but it wouldn't be unusual to walk into a funeral of any family of African descent, whether you're from the Caribbean, whether from your south, whether from you know, you're from Harlem, whether you're from Nigeria, whether you're from wherever, and see somebody having that kind of reaction, shaking, you know, crying, throwing the arms up. So that's just, you know, a culturally acceptable way of grieving. There is a connection with our spirituality and how we express our spirituality with how we grieve. You know, those of us who are raised in a more quiet spiritual tradition, like say Catholicism, maybe a little bit more quiet, quote unquote, with their grieving than if you were raised in, say, a Pentecostal tradition. Correct. Or a traditional, you know, indigenous religion. But what I really want to stress is it is important that we don't judge others and we don't judge ourselves about how we grieve. Right. You know.
SPEAKER_02:So a lot of people associate grief with only death, right? That's when I grieve because I'm someone died, right? What are some other forms of grief you've seen and you know that people might not even recognize? Sure, that's a good question.
SPEAKER_03:And yes, you're right. Grief is really loss. So it's not always the death of a person or a loved one, but it could be, for example, a divorce. That's a form of loss. And people who go through divorce describe it as a grieving process, a loss of the relationship or the expectation that one had for their marriage. Grief can also be some kind of change in job, a termination from work. During COVID, many of us experienced loss of our everyday life, of the way things used to be. Right. That was tough. That was tough, you know. Many people talked about the before. I miss the before. I miss being outside. And then you get outside like, I just want to come inside.
SPEAKER_02:I just want to come inside.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, well, now we're we're back to you know, yeah, we're back outside, but when we lost the ability to socialize with one another and to be together, and you know, we felt it as a loss, and people were in various stages of grieving because of it.
SPEAKER_02:You talk about stages. So, what are the different stages of grieving?
SPEAKER_03:So it's interesting to ask that question. So there are, you know, traditionally the stages that we all learn about, you know, shock, anger, and disbelief, you know, and acceptance. But there are researchers who now question that model and say, Oh, okay. It's not some of those features, yes, we do experience them, but it is not true necessarily that you have to go through this particular order and experience this, and then you experience that, and then you experience this, and then now you have closure, and now you're all better. And now you're acceptance, and you're all better, right? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I don't know if you ever really get better. Like I don't right, right. I think you just continue to exist with the grief.
SPEAKER_03:Learning to live with the loss, you know, learning to live with the loss. And you know, what we know now is that it's better to focus on helping people make it, you know, helping people get through life without the physical presence of this person that they cared so deeply about. So, you know, we talk about helping the person to accept their feelings about the death, right? As opposed to accept the death, because that's a really hard thing to ask a person to do, to accept the death, but accept your feelings about it.
SPEAKER_02:Can you go a little deeper into that? Because that's very interesting. Accepting your feelings about it.
SPEAKER_03:Right. So I think that you know, culturally, it is universally expected that the predominant feeling is going to be sadness. And yes, there's sadness, but there's not just sadness, sometimes there's anger, sometimes there's intense anger, and that anger can be directed at the person who is deceased. Like, you know, why'd you leave me? Or why didn't you take care of yourself better, or why weren't you more careful, or why didn't you know, these are the kind of feelings that one might feel are not valid, not fair, not rational, but you might feel them, right? And it's important to accept it if that's what you feel, and talk about it and process it and let it out. You know, it could be overwhelm and exhaustion could be the predominant feeling, like this is too much. You know, one of the things that we don't really talk about, but when a person who is a very close loved one passes away, there's a lot that goes with that from planning the final arrangements, dealing with you know the paperwork of all of the the loved one's assets. Maybe there were things that that person took care of, and now you have to take care of it.
SPEAKER_02:And so apparently that's huge, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So, you know, that all of them are.
SPEAKER_02:Like now you left me with all this stuff, yeah, especially with the wife and husband situation, and like the husband normally the one to take care of all this stuff, and then now where am I gonna find like how do I go through life now? Now I gotta figure out your stuff. And yesterday, you know, when I interviewed Roseanne, she was like, Yeah, and they have to dealt with the estates, right, and the business, and people don't talk about those things, like that's work, absolutely, it's a lot, you know.
SPEAKER_03:So there are a lot of feelings that you might have, and again, it's important that you not judge yourself and give yourself grace, you know, and so it comes, it always comes back to yourself because now you have to take care of you in this process, right? Yes, okay. And that brings me to an important point. I think one of the most important things most therapists will tell you is to reach out to others, to loved ones, family members, friends, and let them know that you need help. Don't don't try to go it alone, don't try to be superwoman, don't do that, or superman, don't do that. Yeah, it's too much. It's too much. It's too much, you know. And the thing is, as humans, we all are going to experience loss in our lives. So I help you today, you help me tomorrow. We have to help each other. And I think too many times, especially in the black community, too many times we feel like I have to do this, I have to do this.
SPEAKER_02:I gotta get through this myself. I just don't understand.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, by myself, you know, and the thing is we're we're human beings, we're not robots, and sometimes it's okay to take the time to grieve, to rest, to be with other loved ones that bring you comfort and other friends, and ask somebody else to do the heavy lifting for you or with you to support you.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, okay. So you've worked with so many people in different stages of loss, right? So, what have you learned about how grief shows up differently for everyone?
SPEAKER_03:Well, I mean, you know, like I said, every individual is different. I think that what I will say is it does seem to be harder when it's like a head of household. And let's say, like, there's a loss of a spouse, and then there are children. What I find is in those cases, the surviving spouse often feels the need to protect the children from the pain. And in doing that, they will hide you know their feelings or hide their suffering. Yeah, you know, is that a good or a bad thing to do? Huh. So, I mean, I think it's not the best thing to do because working with children for many years, one thing I always tell the grown-ups in their lives is they're paying attention and they know that you're sad. So don't tell them you're okay if you're not, because they know, you know, and they need to know that you know you're sad. What you can say is, I'm very, very sad right now, but I'm gonna be okay, and you're gonna be okay. But it's okay to let them know. I think it's important to be honest and speak to them at a level that they will understand based on their age. And, you know, there are books for children about grieving. I recommend parents, they should look into those books. Most school counselors and school social workers and psychologists would have them if you ask, or you can just do a quick Google search just to help you have the language for it. But I think that's something that I witness a lot, and also kind of a frequent mistake that I see is people will say, Oh, well, the kids are fine. Oh, they're okay. They cried at the funeral, but look, they're playing, they're fine. No, they're not.
SPEAKER_01:They're not, they're not because you're not, you're not fine, so yeah, how could they be fine?
SPEAKER_03:They are children, so they show it differently, you know, but they still feel the loss. That's one, and two, children will sometimes pretend in front of the grieving adult to be okay because they're believe it or not, trying to protect that person, you know. Like mommy's already sad, so I don't want her to know how much I'm sad or how much everybody is protecting each other, everyone's protecting each other.
SPEAKER_02:Everyone is protecting each other and actually facing it and dealing with it and going past it.
SPEAKER_03:Right, right. I see that a lot. Interesting, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, because you know, you want to like when my dad passed, I was trying to protect my mom. She has like, I haven't seen her cry, I haven't seen her, so she's probably trying to protect me.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you know, it's just like and we're all in shambles, yeah. So you're crying probably. I was like, I'm gonna be strong for my daughter. But I mean, you know, I definitely understand the intention, you know. But what I want to say is that you don't have to do that, you can be there for each other and still grieve outwardly and let it out together and mourn together and get through it, you know.
SPEAKER_02:So when does grief become something more serious, like complicated or depression? Yes, or how can someone know like when to seek help?
SPEAKER_03:Generally speaking, there's no actual time period where you say, Okay, you're done, right? But in general, after about a year or two, if a person is still expressing significant feelings of depression and sadness, it may be a good idea to seek a mental health practitioner. Also, if in their earlier stages, so let's say four or five months in, the person just can't function. You know, I can't get out of bed, I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I can't get to work, their life has changed significantly, then you probably wouldn't get help for that individual. So sometimes we can predict when there's going to be, you know, what is called a complicated grief. But again, because everybody's different, you can't know for sure. Complicated grief often occurs when there's a sudden, unexpected death, or when there's like the death of a child or a young person, and you know, we expect more severe symptoms in those cases.
SPEAKER_02:But what I would say is would it be like acute or like yes, you know, we would say acute or chronic, correct?
SPEAKER_03:Exactly. So it's lasting a long time, and again, it's you know, because is it the first couple of days, the first couple of weeks, even it's normal if a person doesn't feel like getting out of bed, but eventually they do and they eat, you know, but they have that feeling of not wanting to. But if they literally don't get out the bed for, you know, let's say a week or two after, I don't think it would hurt to speak with a professional just to see if there's some treatment that can be offered, because then you're not taking care of yourself, right? So if you're you're not taking care of yourself, that's dangerous, you know. And unfortunately, people who've had losses are very, very susceptible to themselves being sick or you know, having suicidal thoughts. So people should keep an eye on friends and relatives who've experienced significant losses because they may not say it, but you may see it that you know, wait a minute, Auntie is not okay, or you know, something's going on with Junior. This is very serious, and you should, you know, reach out for help at that point. This is a good time to remind your listeners that we now have a national suicide hotline. That's 988-988. Can be used anywhere in the United States, and it's just 988. Yep, just like we have 911-988. Oh, okay. Anywhere to know anywhere in the U.S., you can call that number and there will be somebody, they have multiple languages available who can speak to a person in crisis or offer help. If you need help, you're worried about somebody, you can call that number and say, Hey, I think this loved one of mine may be suicidal, you know, they just experience a death or whatever it is. You can call that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
SPEAKER_02:You can and you call that number and you get to speak to a therapist, a live person.
SPEAKER_03:You speak to a live person, a live trained counselor, yes, not an AI, no. No, I'm so glad you said that. No AI, Dr. Alex is not a fan of AI for the purposes of counseling, and let me tell you why.
SPEAKER_02:Because I've been hearing things like people are like using Chat GPT to counsel them, and right, right, yeah, and Gemini. Right, it's like what is happening?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so and um young people are particularly susceptible to this. But what we know right now is that these AI algorithms are designed to keep you engaged with them, which means that even if you show red flags, they're not going to direct you to 988 or help. They're gonna try to convince you to just keep engaging with them because they're it's a computer program, it's not a human. It can feel like a human, it can sound like a human, but it's not. So I strongly discourage people from engaging in counseling with any kind of artificial intelligence at this time.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, okay. That's good to know, and that's good to share. Can you share some a few healthy coping strategies or habits that can truly help people begin to heal?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, absolutely. Um, one we talked about already that's reaching out to others, you know, just reaching out to talk, listening to music. We know that research shows that that is therapy, another universal therapy, music. Um, absolutely. And whatever music works for you, whatever you like. Some people may find comfort in listening to music that their loved one enjoyed to feel closer to them. We recommend that you celebrate the life of your loved one. It's hard, it's hard in the beginning, but you know, with the passage of time, remembering the gift of that person in your life, the positive moments, the memories can be a source of comfort. I like when people do things to honor their loved one, their deceased loved one, like planting trees in their honor or starting a scholarship in their name, or something positive so that their legacy will live on, their name will live on. You know, some cultures celebrate All Saints Day and All Souls Day, and they have cultural traditions where they remember their dead. But anything that is meaningful to you, I think is a good thing, so long as it feels right to you. And the other thing is spirituality, whatever is your particular belief system, lean into it if it's a support to you. Lean into your particular belief system. Many houses of worship offer grief counseling, and I think that's a good place to start if you're looking for support. I think there is something to be said about being with other people who kind of understand what you're feeling. There are groups, I know some hospices, some hospitals, and again, houses of worship.
SPEAKER_02:Right, because the way hospics work, they give you a social worker, a counselor, right, and to help you even deal with the grief before the inevitable happens. Right. And I think they stay on with the family for six to eight weeks after the inevitable happens. So even hospice is like they build in the support.
SPEAKER_03:That's true. And also, you don't necessarily have had to have been affiliated with that hospice to be able to access some of their bereavement supports. So you can just call any hospice near you and ask if they have open groups that you can join. Because sometimes it's good to, for example, be in a bereavement group with people who've lost a sibling, because with other people who understand what it's like to lose a sibling or other people who've lost a spouse or a parent or a child or whatever it is, just being in community with others, you know, it's not a magic bullet, but for some people it helps. And of course, you can always seek your own individual counseling for as long as you need, really.
SPEAKER_02:So, in the event that someone says they lost a loved one, they don't have insurance, they don't have the financial capability to pay cash for therapy.
SPEAKER_03:How can they get help? So, again, there are a lot of resources now. I can tell you, if you're on Long Island, there's the Long Island Crisis Center. You can call them for referrals. New York City also has a referral service. I'm just blanking on the number right now. And the website, I think it's NYC Well, NYC W E-L-L. I think they have a website and a phone number and a text hotline. These are all sites that pretty much all local governments run, where you can call and let them know, hey, you know, this is what's going on in my life. I don't have insurance, but I really need a counselor, and they can connect you with an organization that may be able to support you.
SPEAKER_02:And also, I would like to mention that in your jobs, like right now, they have EAP. I know that's my job would have EAP, and people don't really tap into those resources at work. So EAP, yes, EAP is also a resource that will give you like eight sessions of counseling free of charge. Yes, yes, just because they don't want you to have to bear that alone. You know, they want you to have a healthy work environment. Yeah. So yes.
SPEAKER_03:A lot of people are afraid that their bosses will find out about what they're discussing, but those counselors have to abide by HIPAA laws protecting your privacy. So, yes, that is a wonderful resource. And also a lot of people don't realize that you can call for your loved ones oftentimes. You know, oftentimes it's not just for you, the employee, but let's say it's one of your children who needs that support. They can have that counseling through your company EAP. And for those of you who maybe never heard of it, just ask your HR person about hey, do we have an EAP program and see what they tell you?
SPEAKER_02:And it might be called something different at your actual establishment, but most places it's EAP.
SPEAKER_03:Mm-hmm. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Employee, what is it? Assistant program.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yeah. So I'm gonna always end with. This question I asked everybody. If you could tell someone listening who's grieving one thing right now, what would that be? Dr.
SPEAKER_03:McGlossian? The first thing I would say is I'm so sorry for your loss. And I know that you may feel extreme pain right now. But, you know, just like a wound that you have, you know, like a burn wound or a gash on your skin, you know, over time it heals. It takes a long time. You know, you you have to nurture it and, you know, follow the doctor's orders and make sure that it doesn't get infected. If you take care of that wound, it gets better. It doesn't mean that you won't always have that scar though. And that scar is the memory of that loved one. But it does get better with time. Give yourself grace because everybody's on a different timeline. And please don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help if you need it.
SPEAKER_02:Yep, that's good. That's definitely encouraging that you know, highlighting that you're not alone in this. And there's others. And first, you just because you know when something happened, the first thing I said work, it's I'm sorry for your loss. And that was so impactful that you said that first. I really felt that emotion as if you were talking to me, you know. Yeah. So give yourself some grace. So, can you tell our listeners how to connect with you if they want to learn more about your work and your services for their children, if they have children going through this process?
SPEAKER_03:So they can find me at www.onmywaycounseling.com.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, that's www.onmywaycounseling.com. I will also have it at the end of these podcasts, and you can just click on the link and it'll take you right to Dr. McGloshin's information. So that you know, if there's something personally you want to talk to her about, you can do so. I can recommend her 1000%. I've known her for a long time, and just as you hear her today, that's how she always is. So wow, what a powerful and healing conversation, Dr. McGlosh. And thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, your compassion. We can hear it, we can feel it, and your expertise with us today. And to everyone listening, if you're walking through grief right now, please know that you're not alone. Healing doesn't mean forgetting, and it means learning to carry your love differently. Yes. Take your time, give yourself grace, and reach out for help when you need it. So we're gonna sign off and thank you so much. Is there anything you'd like to end with, Dr. McGlossian?
SPEAKER_03:Just want to say thank you for having me. Thank you for having this important discussion.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, thank you, and have a wonderful evening. You as well.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for tuning in with Nurse Jax at Not Just the Nurse Podcast. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe to Buzzprout, Apple, and Spotify. Send your request and your questions for a chat with Jax. Be safe out there.